My soul is silent today
Tuesday, 20 February 2018
Monday, 19 February 2018
19-02-2018 (Realization)
It was a simple realization, standing stark naked in front of my eyes for the first time, like a watermark left on everything I looked at. And though I tried hard to negate it, I couldn't dismiss the fact of what I'd found.
This new friend, in my head, speaks to me even though I refuse to talk back. But today, I had to listen to what he said. He told me truth of my suffering, and i was baptized in a fountain of his realization.
To be honest, now, I don't think anything is wrong with me. I'm perfectly fine. I thought that I was looking for someone to love me. But, could I have been more wrong! That was a false notion that I'd been feeding myself for years.
Today, I finally know what I want. To disperse that immense ocean in my heart as rain for someone who deserves it, that singular anchor which can hold the ocean still. I just...want to calm down the storm raging in my blood and gift it to someone who can keep it. I don't want to be loved, I want to be the lover; the giver not the receiver of that supreme emotion.
And, that is my Redemption...
To be honest, now, I don't think anything is wrong with me. I'm perfectly fine. I thought that I was looking for someone to love me. But, could I have been more wrong! That was a false notion that I'd been feeding myself for years.
Today, I finally know what I want. To disperse that immense ocean in my heart as rain for someone who deserves it, that singular anchor which can hold the ocean still. I just...want to calm down the storm raging in my blood and gift it to someone who can keep it. I don't want to be loved, I want to be the lover; the giver not the receiver of that supreme emotion.
And, that is my Redemption...
Sunday, 18 February 2018
18-2-2018 (Redemption)
My life has gone past the point where I understood what it meant. I have stopped trying. Time passes by me like a beggar and I, having nothing to offer, stare at it silently till it moves forward leaving me behind. My pockets are filled with remorse, and so is my heart. This heart, that i don't use any more....any less.
At times, when i try to fathom my thoughts, I feel that there's no redemption for people like me. And, as long as I'm alive, i shall suffer. And, if there is a life after this one, I'll beg for the second death.
At times, when i try to fathom my thoughts, I feel that there's no redemption for people like me. And, as long as I'm alive, i shall suffer. And, if there is a life after this one, I'll beg for the second death.
Saturday, 17 February 2018
17-02-2018 (Regret)
I, who had made myself believe that one should strive for love...that we should bend all reasons to be with the beloved, now sit here exiled from the only place I could ever call home. Having cut off the umbilical cord that joined my soul to my body, unable to see my mother who lies dead by my side. I feel submerged like an iceberg in an ocean of self-pity, only a part of me above the water to let me know how miserably alone i am in this vast expanse.
i call to myself the vestiges of memories and try to replace them one by one with objects. The lamp by my bedside is the time when we had our first coffee in the city cafe. the coffee now tastes like the lamp and the lamp is nowhere to be seen. My paint-brushes are the times when we sat by the lake feeding fish. I don't paint with them anymore because they are the fish who, now, starve because no one feeds them. I don't know what i mean when I say this. I am displacing my memories, so now they live with me in my room, hidden in my closet, in the sketchbooks, in the guitar, in my books, in the floor and the ceiling fan- in everything around me because, i can no longer hold their weight in my head. They surround me and that's fine until start speaking to me. I...know...that...I..failed.
My room is a memorial and i sit like a fossil of love long-lost in the midst of ruins. inactivity has settled like dust that i breathe into my lungs, it's trying to kill me.. i didn't strive hard enough. i didn't take risks. i was too weak to fight and i will probably die with this regret clenched between my teeth, leaving me unable to speak....i didnt try.
i call to myself the vestiges of memories and try to replace them one by one with objects. The lamp by my bedside is the time when we had our first coffee in the city cafe. the coffee now tastes like the lamp and the lamp is nowhere to be seen. My paint-brushes are the times when we sat by the lake feeding fish. I don't paint with them anymore because they are the fish who, now, starve because no one feeds them. I don't know what i mean when I say this. I am displacing my memories, so now they live with me in my room, hidden in my closet, in the sketchbooks, in the guitar, in my books, in the floor and the ceiling fan- in everything around me because, i can no longer hold their weight in my head. They surround me and that's fine until start speaking to me. I...know...that...I..failed.
My room is a memorial and i sit like a fossil of love long-lost in the midst of ruins. inactivity has settled like dust that i breathe into my lungs, it's trying to kill me.. i didn't strive hard enough. i didn't take risks. i was too weak to fight and i will probably die with this regret clenched between my teeth, leaving me unable to speak....i didnt try.
Thursday, 15 February 2018
15-02-2018 (Solitude)
Some days are hard - when you feel unwanted like an albino cloud drifting across the desert sky. A shooting star dissolving in it's own trail... Like every step forward is another step away from your being, like you were walking towards the oblivion of a shadow space where nothing can be seen...a place that doesn't exist.
Today, in the morning, when i left home, unaware as to where I was going, sitting on the front seat of a cab, i thought about how meaninglessly my pursuits become me and i lose myself in the bargain. I found myself chronicled into a poem written in a lost script. No one knew that I was a poem. Astray... like a feather resting its head on autumn leaves having lost its flight.
I sat in my emptiness for hours looking without knowing what i was looking at, past the facades that strangers put on display on their faces like a dream prisoned in a glass orb. I was perplexed by the absolute simplicity of the creation and, yet, it's immense illusion of sophistication. Everything, it seemed to me, could be reduced to two words...I don't know what the words are but I felt them like the air.
I guess, we all want the same thing. We all hold the same desires in our prism hearts
...the desire to be seen...
Today, in the morning, when i left home, unaware as to where I was going, sitting on the front seat of a cab, i thought about how meaninglessly my pursuits become me and i lose myself in the bargain. I found myself chronicled into a poem written in a lost script. No one knew that I was a poem. Astray... like a feather resting its head on autumn leaves having lost its flight.
I sat in my emptiness for hours looking without knowing what i was looking at, past the facades that strangers put on display on their faces like a dream prisoned in a glass orb. I was perplexed by the absolute simplicity of the creation and, yet, it's immense illusion of sophistication. Everything, it seemed to me, could be reduced to two words...I don't know what the words are but I felt them like the air.
I guess, we all want the same thing. We all hold the same desires in our prism hearts
...the desire to be seen...
Wednesday, 14 February 2018
14-02-2018 (Love)
Every day, I meet people in my timeless journey on the road; people ready to barter parts of their selves in exchange for a smile. A picture stuck in my mindscape...that finds residence beneath my skin as a memory that I wear at all times. At times, after the sun sets, i try to put on those memories like masks on my face and try to enact the expressions of impressions left on my mind by the beauty of strangers..
I think, I fall in love too easily and too intensely. I love people. I love them to the point where it becomes a palpable pain inside me.
Oh, where to keep all the faces I have seen!! They live inside me like dreams that I, having dreamt, will never forget yet can't fully recall and I carry them inside my pocket-book heart between pages like a flower.
Yesterday, I dreamed. Today, I met dreamers, and I let myself dance on their palm like a black swan. There was a distant melody floating through the ether in wisps. I kept dancing till my knees hurt, and when I could dance no longer, I sung...the song that translates every language....
A song that was....love.
I think, I fall in love too easily and too intensely. I love people. I love them to the point where it becomes a palpable pain inside me.
Oh, where to keep all the faces I have seen!! They live inside me like dreams that I, having dreamt, will never forget yet can't fully recall and I carry them inside my pocket-book heart between pages like a flower.
Yesterday, I dreamed. Today, I met dreamers, and I let myself dance on their palm like a black swan. There was a distant melody floating through the ether in wisps. I kept dancing till my knees hurt, and when I could dance no longer, I sung...the song that translates every language....
A song that was....love.
Tuesday, 13 February 2018
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